Five For...Saying Sorry

Today after school, my 5 yr old was emptying her school bag. They usually get homework on a Friday and I wanted to see what it was for this week. She proceeded to pull out a small (sealed) brown envelope with some grown-up writing on it with what I presumed were some reading levels on it. It looked like a teacher's resource to me and all she could say was "it was in my bag". For a good 15-20 minutes we went round and round, me explaining (calmly AT FIRST) that it wasn't good to take things that aren't ours and that you shouldn't pick things up without asking and her saying that she didn't know how it got in there. At some point, I couldn't contain my irritation and raised my voice.

Eventually... very eventually, I came across her Reading Journal. This is a book where the teachers can comment on the child's weekly reading tasks and parents can comment on their homework. It's mainly a communication tool between the teachers and parents. In it, there was a mysterious entry that said something about flashcards. It finally dawned on me, that MAYBE the envelope contained flash cards in it. I asked my daughter and she proceeded to tell me "yes, that's what Mrs. So-and-So said. We can work on what we don't know with the flashcards." Inside I wanted to scream, but I took a deep breath and through gritted teeth said "WHY didn't you tell me that to begin with?!" She shrugged in her 5 yr old way.

We went downstairs to get a snack and when I served it to her, I leant down, brushed her hair off of her face and apologized for yelling at her. I told her that I had misunderstood and thought she had done something she shouldn't and was sorry. I had barely got the words out of my mouth when she leant over and give me a big, squeezy hug. (The kind that are not very common when you're a 'big girl' these days.)

It struck me that so often as parents we are afraid to apologize to our children. If I hadn't chosen to do so in this situation I am sure that it would have been a little wound on her heart. These little wounds build up and lead to resentment and frustration, causing un-necessary pain that ultimately breaks down a loving, open relationship between children and their parents. It is also important for children to see their parents model good behaviour, After all, when they do something wrong, I am sure that 99% of us demand that they apologize. But if they don't see the adults in their lives doing the same thing, they get mixed messages. It does not make you weak as an adult to admit your mistakes to your children. They need to see that everyone makes mistakes and how to appropriately rectify them.

So, if you have an opportunity in the next few days, remember it's a great teaching moment to show your child how to handle making a mistake and making amends. I promise you, you'll feel great and your relationship with your child will become closer through it.

Five For...Making Children Feel Special

Friday nights are scheduled as 'Family night' in our house. Usually my husband and I try to think of ideas that will be different on this night than other nights. It usually involves things like staying up later, maybe watching a special show or movie, fun food and general 'together time'. It sounds wonderful doesn't it? Occasionally (usually) things don't go to plan.

This Friday was one of those times.

I expected that it might be a tough night. The last day of the first week of school for two little ladies and getting up earlier than we have in months spelled a recipe for 'anything goes'. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't.

On our menu for the evening was pan-fried salmon, baked potatoes and corn on the cob. (It's the corn on the cob that's the important bit in the story so far.) The rest of the meal had been served up and my husband had gone back into the kitchen to get his plate. An altercation ensued between my eldest and middle daughters. The eldest tried to take the biggest piece of corn from her sister, citing that she was the biggest therefore she should have the biggest piece (not an entirely flawed argument). At this point, Hubby yelled in from the kitchen that the bigger piece actually was for her younger sister because she had helped make the meal tonight. That is when it happened.


Daughter #1 erupted into tears. I tried to reason with her, 'Darling, you can have the bigger piece next time. It's your sister's treat for helping with the cooking tonight.' This was met with loud, gasping WEEPING. Between the sobs, she managed to get out~ 'I'm not special' and then, almost yelling- 'DADDY THINKS I'M NOT SPECIAL!' She was nearly hysterical by now and kept repeating~ 'I'm not special.' She proceeded to sob, 'I was tidying up and when I was ready to help, there was nothing to do.' I was stunned. I actually sat there for a moment and didn't move, just watching her. (Please, PLEASE do not message me and tell me how bad of a mother I am...I've been beating myself up all weekend.)  When I finally did, I pulled her onto my lap, stroking her hair and kissing her and trying to explain to her that Daddy DID think she's special. She finally calmed down (with a cuddle from Daddy too, of course.)

I've been processing this incident in my head all weekend now. Children, are so fragile. They need so much encouragement. If you have independent kids like I do, it is so easy to forget how much they need you when they're constantly trying to tell you that they don't. In the day to day 'trying to get by' it is so easy to let moments slip by when you can show and/or tell your kids how much they mean to you and how important they are. Here are five ideas to help you do just that.


1. Put down what you're doing to listen to your child when they're talking to you, and make eye contact.This can be easier said than done sometimes, but it shows how much you respect your child and also models good communication skills to them.


2. If you have more than one child, make sure to make one-on-one time for each of them. Even if it's only a walk or drive around the neighbourhood, a half an hour of uninterrupted time with them will show them that they are the most important thing in the world to you for that period of time.


3. Put a note in their lunchbox or schoolbag telling them how much you love them and how special they are.


4. Buy or make your child a special greeting card, just because. Send it in the post, complete with stamp.


5. Make a 'Jar of Loves' for each child.
Choose a container of some kind, (we will be doing this this week and using recycled jam jars). Decorate them with each child's name (you could do this as a project together and let them help with the decorating) Every day write down on a piece of paper something that you love about them or that they have done well and put it in the jar. At the end of the week, have a special time set aside to read all of the 'Loves' they have received that week. You may want to have a larger container in their room where they can store all of the 'Loves' and can read them anytime they are feeling low.


I hope some of these ideas help you to show your children how special they are. It is one of our greatest responsibilites as parents to build confidence and self-worth in them. The time and trouble you spend to do this will be worth far more to them than the most expensive toy or clothes that you could ever buy for them. They will thank you for the rest of their lives.